Introduction to the mommy goddess group

Dear Mommy Goddess,
Welcome to this space, a space none of us want to have the opportunity to be in, yet here we are. As I write this tears are streaming down my face as they do daily. I have done lots of writing, lots of talking, lots of texting, lots of meditating, lots of contemplating and here I am just a bit over a year from the passing of my beautiful son Zachary. In that year I’ve been amazed at the number of mommy goddesses I have become connected to and a few papa warriors as well! In the creation of this group, I’ve considered who to focus on as the pain of the passing of a child is not limited to the mother. The fathers, siblings, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, close friends etc. whose hearts are also shattered in the extreme experience of loss over one who passes in what most would say “an untimely” manner. I conclude however it is the mommy’s heart that is at the center of the experience of this nuclear explosion of grief and it is only a mommy’s heart that can feel and empathize for another mommy goddess in the deepest sense of the experience.

This is the most vulnerable and personal time I can imagine in one’s life and as we are all unique beings, even though we share this unwanted bond, we have our own process to go through. Yes there will be similarities in our journeys in the experience of grief and differences as well. Just as in the experience of the passing of our child, we each had a different journey with the same eventual result. My hope is that every mommy goddess invited into this space will find comfort in being here, compassion among those that gather, and a freedom to partake as their heart desires. I will keep it closed and secret but not exclusive. Any mommy goddesses with a shattered heart who seek what this space offers is welcome and I trust the universe will fill the space. Feel free to engage or simply be and observe, allowing the experience and conversations of others to help with the process of grief.

So who am I, the one who so boldly steps into the shattered hearts of others? I’m a mommy goddess myself, experiencing the unimaginable just as you are. I am a mommy goddess whose heart has been shattered. I’m a mommy goddess who never dreamed she could experience this much pain and still survive. I’m a mommy goddess who in all honesty would have rather passed with my son than stay here without him. I’m a mommy goddess challenged with being the rock for my family when at times I felt like a grain of sand being washed away in a river of tears. I’m also a mommy goddess with a background that gave me the tools to be with what is and breathe through it. I’m a mommy goddess who has a deep awareness of self and was so tuned in, that despite this experience, I still stayed connected to the rock solid foundation that I had discovered in myself. I asked myself frequently how those who did not have the tools that I did, ever make it through this experience. I began to discover in myself, as I worked in Zachary’s honor and as I was connecting with others in this same experience, that my heart had moments of feeling ok, and these amazing moments were in the times I spent sharing myself and my heart with others, most significantly other mommy goddesses.

I realize there are many groups and opportunities for one to search for in the journey of this grief process. Essentially, as we all are those unique beings, the greatest comfort will come from the strength that is only found within. It will be the mix of our tears and the love that pours forth from our shattered hearts that is the golden glue that will put the pieces back together. The heart that once again will resemble its original shape will have threads of gold woven through it making it more of all the amazing things it once was in honor of our child, yet never the same again. This group is in support of what is possible for a mommy goddess. It is a space of a shimmer of light in the darkest moments, it is a space of possibility when none seems apparent, it is a space of positivity when it seems none exists. There is always contrast in our existence here, where there is darkness there has to be light, where there is pain there has to be comfort, where there is passing there has to be presence. The intention for this group is to have a focus on the positive side of contrast, extending a hand, a voice, an ear to the mommy goddess’s heart that can’t see the possibility of life on the other side of the contrast we have been engulfed with.

This is a space in which there can never be too many tears, never be too many stories shared of our wonderful child. It’s a space in which new friends will emerge as existing friendships shift. It is a space that cannot be found without the intention and support of a like-minded gathering of mommy goddesses. It’s a space where It is understood that when we say we are good, it’s all relative, our “good” is not what it once was but we are grateful that it’s a word that we can once again use or see the possibility of using once more. It is a space where it’s understand that to others we may look the same, our lives continue on, the sun continues to rise, we will eventually laugh and experience joy but it is the unseen that will never be the same again.

This is also a space where we can explore the possibility of a new relationship with our child. Just because their physical presence is no longer with us here does not mean we cannot still experience them, love them, think of them and receive miracles and love from them.

As I conclude this welcome and introduction to you mommy goddess, allow me to share an analogy that will help one understand the experience you are having on an energetic level. When a child passes the mommy (no matter how old your child is) experiences a physical energetic amputation from that child. Imagine you either expectedly or unexpectedly in a crisis have to have your leg amputated. You awake from surgery in an excruciating amount of pain that really no amount of medication will completely alleviate. There is a course of time to heal the wounds which is influenced by our current state of being, health, mindset and emotions. In addition the healing process is impacted by how we care for ourselves as our wound heals. Healthy food, sunshine, support of family and friends, exercising the body, our mindset and belief system will all play a role in our experience of healing from the loss of the leg. Time will pass and the wound will heal but now a whole new experience of life unfolds. Learning how to balance, how to walk, how to do the simplest daily activities with only one leg. Eventually one grows accustomed to and even becomes proficient in life with this new body. Some even excel in ways others would call miraculous with what can be accomplished without a leg. The fact remains, we will be forever changed after the amputation. Our leg will never be there again. And so it is with the physical passing of our child. In this realm we adjust to the physical absence, our shattered heart begins to heal as we honor our own experience of grief, doing our best to support ourselves in ways that serve us. And that is what my intention is for us…
Much love…
From my shattered heart to yours
In honor of and with love for our child, we journey on til we meet again…

Zachary, you are my boy and I am your mom and I love you forever!

Originally written October 17, 2017